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Photographs of the alleged author of this webpage are hereby minimized. In a previous century, when institutional and peer pressures necessitated the creation of a web-page, the author complied, and learned sufficient algorithms of Ye Olde HTML Editor to create a home page with an image of the author in the foreground, with the skyline of Lower Manhattan in the background. A subsequent remark from a student: "Your web page looks like a personal ad on a dating site." Oof. Where's that "delete all" function?
Restrictions apply. Terms and conditions apply. Contains scenes with violence, profanity, and adult situations; viewer discretion is advised. Do not attempt; professional driver on closed course. Actual mileage may vary. Void where prohibited. Past performance is no guarantee of future returns. This investment involves risk; the value of your investment is not guaranteed, and may decline. Subject to commissions, fees, and trailing commissions. Batteries not included. No purchase required. Use as directed. Talk to your doctor. May cause dizziness, drowsiness, shortness of breath, or rolling of the eyes. Please do not reply to this email message. This e-mail address is used by an automated system and responses are not monitored. For assistance, please contact your administrator. Operators are standing by. All operators are serving other customers now; please hold. Your call is important to us. Your call may be monitored for quality control and for training purposes. To speak to an operator, say "Agent."
Image copyright 1960 Robert S. Wyly
"He who first shortened the labour of copyists by device of movable types was disbanding hired armies, and cashiering most Kings and Senates, and creating a whole new democratic world : he had invented the art of printing." Thomas Carlyle, Scottish historian and essayist (1795-1881), in Sartor Resartus, reproduced in Una McGovern, ed. (2005). Webster's New World Dictionary of Quotations. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, p. 192.
Atlantic City, New Jersey, January 2008 (Elvin Wyly)
"The controversy over freedom of speech and of the press is at the bottom a controversy over the desirability, or otherwise, of telling lies. What is really at issue is the right to report events truthfully, or as truthfully as is consistent with the ignorance, bias, and self-deception from which every observer necessarily suffers." Eric Arthur Blair (George Orwell) (1903-1950),The Prevention of Literature (1946), reproduced in Una McGovern, ed. (2005). Webster's New World Dictionary of Quotations. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, p. 629.
"God bless America, land of the free, but sadly not the land of the depraved." Sebastian Horsley, on being detained and denied admission to the United States for a book tour for Dandy in the Underworld, his memoir detailing a life infused by cocaine, heroin, opium, and liaisons with more than 1,000 prostitutes. Horsley was questioned for eight hours by U.S. customs authorities for more than eight hours before being sent back to Britain, presumably on the grounds of "moral turpitude" or admissions of drug addiction that render travellers inadmissible under visa-waiver programs. Horsley, who had previously traveled to the U.S. half a dozen times, contrasted his experience with that of New York Governor Spitzer, who resigned the week before after disclosures that he was "Client 9" for an upscale prostitution outfit. "I'm not a politician, I'm an artist. Depravity is part of the job description." Quotations all from Motoko Rich (2008). "British Memoirist is Denied U.S. Entry." New York Times, 20 March.
Not long ago, I received yet another of those innumerable forwarded multiple-chain-of-correspondents email. Somehow it wound up here. It is not known by whom the passive voice was invented.
"Important Notice to Recipients:
Please do not use e-mail to request, authorize or effect the purchase or sale of any security or commodity. Unfortunately, we cannot execute such instructions provided in e-mail. Thank you.
The sender of this e-mail is an employee of [Stupid Corporate Sociopath, LLC.] [If Mitt Romney is correct when he declares that 'corporations are people' then this person is a nasty and violent criminal.] If you have received this communication in error, please destroy all electronic and paper copies and notify the sender immediately. Erroneous transmission is not intended to waive confidentiality or privilege. [Stupid Corporate Sociopath, LLC] reserves the right, to the extent permitted under applicable law, to monitor electronic communications. This message is subject to terms available at the following link [Stupid Corporate Sociopath's website]. If you cannot access this link, please notify us by reply message and we will send the contents to you. By messaging with [Stupid Corporate Sociopath] you consent to the foregoing."
Stupid Corporate Sociopath (2012). "Email Disclaimer Attached by Automated Signature Line on Outgoing Emails." Some anonymous Global City: Stupid Corporate Sociopath. Citation provided to avoid any potential charges of plagiarism, but details anonymized to avoid charges of slander or other possible retribution by Stupid Corporate Sociopath, LLC. I reserve the right, to the extent permitted under applicable law, to say Fuck y'all.
Not long ago, a relative sent me a short "how are you?" email from work, and I replied. Then I took a second look at that legal threat that commonly appears at the bottom of all emails sent out from many corporations. "This message and its contents (to include attachments) are the property of [name of stupid company], and may contain confidential and proprietary information. You are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this message, or the taking of any action based on information contained herein is strictly prohibited. Unauthorized use of information contained herein may subject you to civil and criminal prosecution and penalties. If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message immediately and notify the sender immediately by telephone or by replying to this transmission. Please consider the environment before printing this email."
Note that "the taking of any action" implies that any and all replies to email messages coming from this company are a clear violation of the rules. So, no doubt, are the actions taken to create the web page you're reading now. So is the act of "reading" anything and everything after you have read the message. So is the act of deleting the message, or notifiyng the sender immediately by telephone or by replying to the transmission. So is the act of "considering" the environment before "printing" the message, or any message, or any document, after you have read the message. So is the act of "thinking."
Here's the latest most stupidest darn disclaimer I ever done seen...
"This email may be confidential and subject to legal privilege, it may not reflect the views of the [idiotic institution], and it is not
guaranteed to be virus free. If you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender immediately and erase all copies of the message
and any attachments."
"Please refer to http://[idiotic institution's website]/emaildisclaimer for more information."
Is that legally binding? Is that a new way of attempting to provide fair notice so that you trick someone into an implicit legal contract? Just send a link at the bottom of an auto-generated email signature line, and presto, you can sucker them into binding arbitration or some other form of legal coercion?
Hmm, maybe I should come up with my own: